Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
