ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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i think i scared a bird with my dick
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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