She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
