i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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