i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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