my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
