found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
