absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
