Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
