Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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