The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
