I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
