My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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