He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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