Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
