So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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