Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
