So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
