does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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