So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
