If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
