oh god the rape fog is back!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
