It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
