awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
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So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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