im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
