Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
