our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
