My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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