Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
