He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
