I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
