well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Mom said you looked used
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
