i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
