i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
