dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
