I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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