Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
