he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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