she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
