Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
