Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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