I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
