dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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