My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
