I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
