This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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