Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
