then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
