I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
