the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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