made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
