Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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