he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
